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Keywords

Loss, Despair, Disconnection

Document Type

Essay

Description

I should have called her (she doesn’t pick up) but I should have tried I should have called her harder or louder and maybe she would have picked up her phone. My hands are shaking I’m not really here I’m kind of gone I’m kind of sitting on the dirty balcony at our apartment looking over that parking garage in my pajamas without socks on and the air smells like weed and hot summer dust and Erik her ex is on the phone telling me everything, everything. It’s not real it’s not real. Why did they make this up to undo me with when they know it will undo me break me make me disappear. What they said last night couldn’t be true it wasn’t true. She’s missing? Nanny is lying she likes to be right and she’s not right this is my mom not some crackhead psycho why would she do that she didn’t do that. She didn’t do those things. She isn’t those things. A schizophrenic. A thief. A liar. A trespasser. She’s not. This can’t be real is she safe is she dead, dead somewhere no one knows where to look? Dave died this way he died no one wants to say it but they know it wasn’t natural wasn’t on purpose or suicide it was an episode he did it himself and he was sick like this.

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